April 27, 2012 – How To Manage Fear Of Rejection
The fear of rejection is so rife in human history that it seems to repeat itself in every generation. In the early days, men were found to be hunting and farming all day in order to bring some food home. naijagists.com
Failure to hunt successfully in any particular day left them feeling like losers and they would not want to return home till late. Women on the other hand were meant to believe keeping the house and gathering stuff to provide comfort was what made them valuable.
Their whole life therefore revolved around responsibility rather than relationship. Inability to deliver in your own area automatically meant questioning and pouring of blames which eventually led to a sense of failure and incompetence.
The present generation still grapples with the fear of rejection but in a more subtle way, and some may even deny its existence all together. This time, fear of rejection tends more toward the emotional aspect of life and has devastated so many relationships.
The feeling of rejection mostly comes when there’s a letdown in your expectations. When you think failure was as a result of your inability or poor approach. Expecting people to applaud you in all areas of your endeavour may throw you into the trap of feeling rejected because the simple truth is that; there is no way everyone is going to like you or accept you. Shocking to hear is the fact that people still reject good ideas and suggestions.
If people reject positive changes and things that could actually make their lives better, wouldn’t you learn a lesson that rejection is the activity of the ignorant mind? It is definitely not your business to try and convince everyone of your worth and ability; any attempt at this would put you in a permanent prison or cycle of unnecessary hard work.
Surprisingly, in most cases, you are the one putting this label of rejection on yourself; others may not see things about you in the same light you are using to judge your person. Nursing the fear of rejection, makes you manifest characters and responses of aggression, anxiety, hate, resentment and unhealthy self-defence which in turn really put people away from you. Here, you only assume people do not accept you or those who do may soon turn away as they come to know your real person and weaknesses.
People who are deep in fear of rejection are believed to have had terrible experiences in early life or past relationships. A greater part of it is traced basically to family structure, welfare, parental love, abuse, peer pressure, abusive partners etc. It is not uncommon to find people from broken homes or families where parents have been abusive having real issues with rejection. Some tend to define their lives by their parents’ experiences and grow up to be bitter.
Kate says: “I wonder if there is ever going to be a stable relationship for me in life. My mum married six times and had terrible stories to tell about each of them. The moment a guy comes to me for relationship, I start to imagine the day he is going to walk away like the men in my mum’s life. I definitely do not want to be the one to be dumped like mum so I start the trouble and offer a split. Being the one to quit gives me a kind of control but the hurt is undeniable. There is something that tells me people end relationships because their spouses are not good enough for them. Could this be why mum was thrown around so often? I look and behave so much like her and if she was rejected, what are my chances of having it nice? I’ve accepted it might not work well for me but I can’t also stay on my own as this would suggest no one wants me altogether”.
Ideally, people who suffer self rejection have some kind of feeling they may not be good enough. It might have to do with their looks, lack of accomplishment, social status, etc. They are so preoccupied with the thought that others may not accept them because of their limitations. Some of these limitations are self-imposed and might not be obvious to others until you start to display reactions of rejection.
Persons who feel rejected may either chose to isolate themselves with the thought that they are not appreciated or go to extremes; trying to play ‘too nice’ in order to win approval.
Allowing yourself to go under the emotion of rejection may be damaging. This is when you unconsciously hand the decision of your happiness to others: the things they say or do determine how you feel at all times. You tend to talk, walk, work, play or behave in a particular way suitable to the people you are trying to gain approval from. It practically makes you disgusting to others who see you as unstable and cheap. It is indeed a cycle because you are trying to please some, others are actually moving away from you; you live your whole life chasing the support, approval and attention of people who do not even care for your welfare. What a terrible life? You refuse to be seen as different; there’s a dire desire to blend with things and people around you even to the detriment of your comfort. You’ll prefer to swallow your opinion and suggestions where they differ from others but secretly perish in pain and anger.
How to manage fear of rejection:
•Learn to love and appreciate yourself no matter what.
•Drop your perfectionist attitude: you don’t need to be perfect for people to love or accept you.
•Know that you cannot please everyone so do not bother
•Everyone cannot love you; don’t be disappointed when they rebuff.
•Decide how you want to live your life; that is what makes you unique.
•Tell yourself being rejected is not your headache; the one rejecting you simply does not know your worth.
•Openly examine your life to discover areas where you have problems and sincerely deal with them.
•Accept failure and mistakes as part of life; this would help you not to feel terrible each time you fail or make mistakes.
Believe you are complete; others may complement you but all you need to be ‘you’ is you.