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How Culture Shock Crashed The Marriage Of Nigerian Couple Who Relocated To Lagos From The US
July 1st, 2016 – How Culture Shock Crashed The Happy Marriage Of A Nigerian Couple Who Relocated To Lagos From America
When I heard that Tokunbo had taken her three children back to America, just like that, I was dazed and amazed. I mean, taking a short trip without telling me was okay once in a while but relocating abroad with children, resigning your job and all that?
What had gotten into her head? What are friends for if they can’t share such stuff ? At first, I was so angry I didn’t call my friend. She couldn’t think much of me as a friend if she could take such a far-reaching decision without telling me? But I started hearing all kinds of rumours. She ran off with a man. She is a mean woman, leaving her husband like that. And taking all the children? Where does he want him to start? She didn’t just leave o. She got pregnant for her boss and to avoid the shame, the man just relocated her abroad.
Ah, that last one cured me of my anger. Tokunbo is not that kind of girl. She could not be pregnant for her boss. Not by any stretch on imagination. I know she is reserved and is not loose with information about her marriage. But I also know that after her last son, she ‘removed her womb’. She was sure Ola, her husband, had no female chromosome in body. ‘He’s just gonna keep knocking me up with more boys.’ She said and that was that. No more babies.
So, I know that the part about being ’pregnant for the boss’ was totally out of it. But the rumours were really damaging and the fact that all her phones, local and foreign, were not available. She did it so clandestinely even her parents only knew when she was already in Baltimore.
When I eventually got her younger brother to give me her new number, the story Tokunbo told me was interesting. Let me give you an intro. Tokunbo was born in America. She schooled Pecks in Yankee, pesky in Naijathere and only started visiting Nigeria when her parents insisted. She was already in the university then and her parents did not want her marrying a foreigner.
They thought if she visited home regularly, she would find or be found. It didn’t eventually work out that way but she eventually met and married Ola, an only child of his parents . He schooled in the US and was already working when they met. Goodlooking hunky dude with a six-pack abs that looked like he was born with it. We were all happy for Toks. And the boys started coming one after the other.
They had their three boys in five years. Prolific bobo was how we described Ola and the way he ‘unleashed his manness’ on my delicately built friend. And everything was hunky-dory until three years ago when the couple decided to relocate to Nigeria. Ola’s parents were getting on in years and they wanted their son closer. They also weren’t seeing their grandsons . Ola is a lawyer and would find a good job in Nigeria. Tokunbo is a pharmacist.
They would not have a problem settling back home. After almost three years of preparing, Ola and Toks finally returned to Nigeria three years ago. Tokunbo took it up from there. ‘it was great to be back home al right but the reality soon dawned n us. First, was the challenge of where we were going to live. Since we both had jobs on the mainland in Lagos, I thought we should live around Ikeja. My pay was better than Ola’s and he didn’t want me to start picking his bills.
He wanted us to live somewhere closer to Ogun state than Ikeja. He said he was the man and that is the way it is in Nigeria. We were a couple for Christ’s sake and who earned or paid for what had never been an issue but when it started generating tension, I gave in. Where we ended up was not fun at all. The traffic was killing me and I was always tired and frustrated.
Then Ola who used to pick the children in school in America somehow decided that school runs were a woman’s thing and so was beneath him. In US, I took the children to school and he brought them back. He got home before me and he had no problems fixing quick dinner for them but all that changed. He would not even eat quick dinner himself least of all cook for his children.
He told me it was his wife’s job to cook, that in Nigeria, people would think I was less of a woman if he helped in the kitchen or even did any house chores with me. To worsen an already bad case, his siblings started making demands, the type we were able to plan for or reschedule while we were away. We could no longer do so. They did not believe their brother didn’t have the kind of money they were asking for. They didn’t know I was making more money or that the SUV in the garage was my official car. They took up arms when I didn’t let them do it.
They summoned family meeting when I told his brothers to do the dishes or help with chores. They wanted my children brought up in a certain way. And my husband simply let them have their way.
‘Imagine having to work long hours and return home to unfed children and a filthy house, my brothers-in-law and my husband watching football while my children waited for me to cook dinner at 8pm ! Many nights they slept without eating. Then I had to take them to school and bring them back.
We tried school bus but the traffic ensured they got home so late I was always tensed up they had been kidnapped or were in an accident.’ And then Tokunbo caught Ola with another woman.
Oyinbo girl, she flipped and threatened and cried and cried. He pacified her but he just started seeing the girl. He said it was just a fling. His brother said ‘men are like that. It doesn’t mean anything.’ Oyinbo girl flipped some more. Maybe, things would have changed. Maybe the storm would have eventually blown over but her former place of work in America, just in the middle of all that crises, announced a job vacancy and Tokunbo responded. The offer was too good to be true.
She put off resuming in the US for months, hoping things would improve on the home front. It didn’t. She told Ola of her fear, her unhappiness. He threatened that if she took the job, it would be the end of the marriage and he would not allow her take the children. The threat really frightened Toks and she knew she had to save herself. ‘I thought we should be saving our marriage together, fight to keep our vows but I could not even recognise the man my husband had become.
So I made my plans, bought the tickets and kept a straight face all through. I still love my husband and won’t ask for divorce but I won’t live under conditions that would cut my life short.’
Toks’ voice shook on the phone but her resolve was unbroken. It’s been nine months and she looks better and she is more determined to stay in America. Methinks, the couple should not have returned to Nigeria. They didn’t count the cost. They were not prepared for the culture shock.
[By Funke Egbemode]
Metu Nyetu
July 1, 2016 at 5:39 AM
People obey the law because of either of these reason:
1) Fear of punishment, or
2) Fear of their conscience.
Those who do for the later are the actual good people, i.e., if humans can be called good. They are bold and courageous, and do what they do irrespective of whoever is watching. But those who do for the former I may call hypocritical comformists who show their true nature when they believe they are beyond the reach of the law that frightfully restrain them. And this Ola belongs to this cowardly group. He could not misbehave in America because he knew the repercussions. But back in naija, his macho mentality that had hitherto laid low suddenly sprouted up in defiance of the love he claimed to have for his wife.
Those that fear their conscience have no need to fear human instituted laws because a higher law had already taken hold of thier hearts. And not many people belong here.
Cutie
July 1, 2016 at 6:20 AM
I thought Tokunbo was an only child of his parents ?
Where did the “brothers” materialise from?
Endure
July 1, 2016 at 11:47 AM
That’s very serious,actually understanding matters a lot in marriage. Both sides should be willing to yield to the interest of one another. 1 corrinthians 10:24 says we should seek the interest of the other person rather than our own. The husband should have looked into the wife’s complain and show that he cares for her. For now,I still believe the marriage is still intact. But what I will advice the husband to do is to be calm and exercise sufficient restrain at this turbulent period of the greatest test of their marriage. Stop threatening her,call her,tell her you’ve looked into the problem already and things will surely be done in the right way. Am sure she will have a rethink. Don’t allow devil into your marriage.
Maryf
July 1, 2016 at 12:50 PM
They should’nt have returned to nigeria
Jilo
July 1, 2016 at 2:35 PM
Relocating to Nigeria to settle down with entire family is not only disaster but adding unnecessary hardship on one’s family. Gone are the old good days when most of Nigerians who were educated abroad will never wait another day after they might received their certificates in white man’s Universities. At that time, your family here in Nigeria already knew the time you will be back home. The economy was in good shape and there was a guarantee of landing a lucrative jobs as a graduant. Moving back to Nigeria with your family without additional preparation will put extra burden on the whole family. I have seen many people relocating to Nigeria, they end up returning back to where they came from. The present economic situation will never give room for such idea. The best advise for this couple is to go back and restrategize their plan or if one them can stay behind to see how it works out otherwise you must be really rich or a polithievian to meet up with the American standard that you guys have used to.
Maryf
July 1, 2016 at 3:05 PM
So its just culture that sent her back to America. She’s not serious. And for the man, he’s just using culture as an excuse. Other men are helping their wives in Nigeria here. It depends on ones mentality, friends he hangs out with and family background.
Uzoma
July 1, 2016 at 6:59 PM
@Maryf Ola should have listened to his wife and move closer to their job in Lagos knowing the traffic condition in Lagos. I agree with you. There are men who help their wives in Nigeria. He was doing it while they were here in America, what stops him from continuing with same way in Nigeria? People can call you any name they want to but the happiness of ones family comes first. It is the never do well people who will castigate any man helping his wife with looking after the children or house work knowing fully well they both work.
@ Jilo I also agree with you. I have a friend who relocated to Nigeria in the late 90s and settled in Aba his home town, married a lawyer and started his own business after resigning as a reporter with Florida Sentinel newspaper. Nigerians being wicked as some of them are, they made sure his business never survived. A lot of them owe him money running into millions and when he asks for his money, it became big problem. He had no option than to return back to US with his wife and took up a job as a lecturer. Now they have three kids.
@ Metu, you are 100% right. To add to your comment, the give me give me mentality of people in Nigeria is annoying. Tokunbo’s husband , Ola is not man enough. He should have cautioned his people to limit their demands as he has a family to take care of.
Tixo
July 2, 2016 at 12:39 PM
To be frank, Ola is an idiot caveman. I have come across many educated primates like him the past. The question is, what is African about his behaviour ?. A man that can not take care of a vulnerable woman is not a man but a boy. A man that can not not say ‘no’ to his siblings when they are wrong is not fit to be a husband and head of the house/family. Sometimes you wonder why 1 out of 3 children of couples are illegitimate. It’s because these women find solace in other men that treat them with respect and love unlike their husband who humiliates them.
I can’t see any major cultural differences here but a change in attitude from the one who should have been her wife’s protector. It’s simple Ola met Tokunbo in the US, she is not used to the silliness in Nigeria. While over there both of them were working professionals and shared the chores,back in Nigeria the ‘man’ Ola abrogated his role as the man and let his siblings take over his house. That kind of man does not deserve the respect of any woman.
Men need to take their head out of their behind and learn how to respect women.
Ask my brothers from the south of the country who come home from the West and marry village girls because the want a docile and ‘good’ girl. These girls soon get wise and dumb them. This is not because the girls are bad but the men are brutish and treat them like slaves.
Richard Igho
July 2, 2016 at 3:18 PM
I will like add that nothing wrong relocating to your home country, but you have to make adequate preparations for your family. The most essential one is accommodation, before relocating you must have your own accommodation no matter how small this will give the initial comfort needed to the family. Again and your partner must be in agreement that come what may, your immediate family is paramount, any other extended family is secondary, because no matter the amount of money u came home with their give me give me will bring problem to your family. Ola shouldn’t have taking into consideration what people will if your assist your wife in feeding your own children. Pray that you should not loose your job if you do those your brothers will disappear. Ola should look for a way to settle with his wife before it is too late.