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Why Many Nigerian Women Are Living In Bondages They Call Marriages
Feb 4, 2018 – Why Many Women Are Living In Bondages They Call Marriages
Stop Praying For Husbands With Bad Attitude, Your Marriage Is Not Under Spiritual Attack
By Kate Halim
I pity women who marry irresponsible men. I pity women who date irresponsible men. I also pity ladies who know that their men are irresponsible and marry them while telling themselves that these men will change overnight.
When I hear some women lament about the kind of treatment they endure because they want to keep their marriages, I weep silently. The way they tell their tales of marital woes, one would think they will receive a crown for enduring so much suffering after death.
I wonder if this was what God had in mind when he ordained marriage. I keep asking myself if marriage was supposed to be a prison or slave camp because many Nigerian women are living in bondages they call marriages.
As a child, I listened as women lamented about being treated like doormats by their wicked husbands. I saw despair on their tired faces as they continued to put up with abuse, neglect and irresponsibility of these men who paraded themselves like tin gods.
Anytime these women gathered, it was to complain and whine about their husbands. They would take turns to narrate their horrible marital experiences to their friends. It was as if they were competing with one another in the bad marriage ministry.
I would shake my head at their stories. Even as a child, I knew it was wrong to live that way. I knew that being a woman doesn’t mean being another person’s doormat. I knew that wasn’t the kind of marriage I wanted for myself.
The funny thing was that anytime pointed out that things were not supposed to be so in marriages, it would earn me some knocks on the head. I would be schooled about the need for women to be submissive to their husbands.
In my head, I would be like, “So, why are you people complaining all the time about how you are treated by your heartless husbands if you all refuse to demand to be treated with respect?”
After a while, I finally came to the conclusion that many Nigerian women love to suffer. That’s the only explanation I can give for them choosing to settle for abuse and humiliation all in the name of keeping their marriages.
You don’t keep a marriage by yourself. You don’t fight alone because you are not married to yourself. If you are the only one fighting to keep your marriage while husband man is busy treating you like trash, you will age faster than your mates.
You will be looking 60 at 40 while bobo will be catching his groove with peperempes at your expense. You will end up living a sad and unfulfilled life. This will also take a toll on your mental and emotional health.
When I was a teenager, there was this woman who attended the same church with us and became close to my mum. She was beautiful, hardworking and kind.
She visited us a lot and with gifts too. She was a good, generous woman and very beautiful too. In fact, you would call her an angel. But she was always complaining about her husband. She always complained about his lack of care and affection.
She told everyone who cared to listen that she was suffering in her marriage. She would complain, whine, complain some more but continued allowing her selfish husband hurt her. She was the breadwinner but this man didn’t appreciate her efforts.
The man runs a business but his family doesn’t see money to spend. He spends it on side chicks, cream, soaps and perfumes. This wife doesn’t even know the difference between a perfume and a body spray and she dare not touch his soap or perfumes for any reason. It would earn her a beating.
He claims he’s the head of his house hold and his wife can’t demand that he takes care of her and their children. He kept demanding for big chunks of meat and choicest chicken parts anytime she serves him food. You can imagine the effrontery and insensitivity of this selfish man.
This woman was making kunu, zobo and all kinds of snacks just to make sure her four children saw food to eat, have clothes to wear and attended school. Husband man doesn’t know the school his children attended. He doesn’t know how their school fees are paid, how they feed or wear new clothes.
Anytime they told him they needed something, he directed them to their mother. He tells them that it’s her duty to see to their welfare. He tells them not to disturb him. He was just concerned about taking care of himself and his babes. He was looking younger every year while madam virtuous woman lost her youth, her strength and her beauty all in the name of keeping her marriage.
Sometimes, I wonder why she kept calling him her husband because as far as I was concerned, his presence in her life was useless. He wasn’t adding any value to her life. He was draining her emotionally and psychologically. She became sick because of the stress but he didn’t care.
And the annoying part was that anytime she complained about her husband treating her badly, she was told in church to pray more and submit to him more. She was reminded that the devil was after her marriage and her husband’s attitude was a spiritual attack.
But the more she prayed; the worse things got. This man didn’t change. He just stepped up his game. He graduated to stealing her money. Even though she submitted more and prayed fervently, husband man continued to run after young girls, married women and widows.
He spent his money on them while his wife crumbled under the weight of taking care of him and their children all by herself. She continued to endure his abuse because church people told her the man was not in his right senses.
The last time I saw her, she was looking like his mother and the guy was still fresh enough for peperempes to grab. He didn’t care to hide his many affairs. He threw it in her face. I cried when I got home. She was looking like a beggar. We exchanged pleasantries and parted ways.
My mum later told me that, six years ago, he relocated to the East with one of his mistresses abandoning his wife and children in Lagos. He said he was a free man who needed to live his life to the fullest. His family also supported him. They told his wife to leave him alone to enjoy his life when she complained to them about his behaviour.
You know the funny thing? This woman accepted this annoying living arrangement. I heard she travels to the East to see him and have sex with him. She still believes she’s a married woman and the devil is fighting her marriage.
One time, she fought with one of his mistresses and I was speechless. As long as I could tell, she was never in a marriage to begin with. She has been alone for long. When will women stop using marriage to irresponsible men to measure their worth?.
For more articles by Kate Halim, click here.
Jemilat Adio
February 4, 2018 at 5:13 AM
I can testify to this. My sister died of cancer last year after serving her husband for complete 20 years. Do u believe the bastard married the second week she died.
I know many women like my beloved elder sister are still suffering who know what will happen tomorrow. I hope women wisen up and stop falling in love blindly.
Possessive men love to play victim game watch out for dt
Kemi Obe
February 4, 2018 at 5:23 AM
True article. I divorced my husband in 2015. That is the best decision of my life.
Throughout d course of our short lived marriage I always feel alone even though he was with me. D day I found out he ws seeing another person was the day I sent him out.
don
February 5, 2018 at 11:54 AM
HI kEMI,
Are you the one to send your husband out or the other way round.
See the arrongance in your comment. poor u
Golden Horse
February 4, 2018 at 5:31 AM
Nigerian women need to reevaluate themselves. Most of them have very ugly and dirty attitude.
Since like attracts like, they will keep attracting men with bad attitude.
Ama
February 4, 2018 at 8:47 AM
I agree with you women not only Nigerian woman, must evaluate ourselves, when we treat each other right, men will start treating us right. We need to evaluate and change our attitude so we can attract the best
yettymama
February 4, 2018 at 6:58 AM
I love this article, majority of women are suffering and are facing serious abuse in this so call marriage. What we were been trained when we were growing up as young girls is to be patient and endure for the sake of the children. Well that endurance can make you go gaga. When you have already have three to four children for husband, what can you do especially if he is financially stable more than you. If you leave him, he will marry another woman while you and children will be living from hand to mouth. If he is not beating you, you are lucky. Accept your fate, sit there gegely and let him take care of the kids especially the financial part of it. Many women are not to be blamed, it is not easy to take care of three or four children alone while he is enjoying himself around. Honestly you are hooked with lots of kids.
PREVENTION
1. Don’t have too many kids for your husband, because that love you think you have can turn sourwer any time.
2. Get your self equipped, don’t depend on him for everything. Do anything not criminal to have your own income. Nobody is praying for divorce, but if it comes, at least you will be able take care of yourself and your kids your self that is if you don’t have too many.
This is my own advise ooo
Ama
February 4, 2018 at 8:45 AM
I keep asking myself the same questions this writer has asked on several occasion. Why would you live in an insane and impossible marriage? All because women think a women is nothing without a man. Women we are our own worse enemies. Not all men are bad, there are a lot of good ones out there, but we fail to see because we are not attracted to them, or because they are not our level as we usually say. A sister of a married man will tell the brother, “brother if your wife is bothering you let me look for another woman or I have a friend so let me hook you up, instead of telling the brother to shape up and treat the wife well. Women endure all sorts of abuse, disgrace, humiliation, insult and many other negative things in their marriage, yet we stay because of the children, and what the church or people will say about us. If you are afraid of what people will say then you will die a painful death in your marriage
The church has failed a lot of us. Yes the enemy is lurking its ugly head around to destroy marriages, but they are not powerful than what God can do. A woman in church will come to church with bruises and will defend the man and say, I hit my head or fell down. Yes we can keep praying but there are other ways we can stop all these rubbish and abuse in name of being a “Mrs.”. We must also stop talking about our marriages with friends and colleagues because words get twisted and this start the world war 3 at home. You are married yet you feel alone, so why then get married if your husband is cheating, or treating you like dirt.
Sometimes our attitude can also bring or add to the abuse in the house, or can actually as a matter of fact change the man. Society has been a pain in our lives journey to or in marriage. when a man misbehave, abuse her, treat her badly, instead of speaking wisdom and sense into that man’s ears.
Submission goes both way, therefore we should not accept all these abuse, domestic violence, degrading, disgrace. God planned marriage, but a healthy one of course. God did not say, disrespect your wife, beat your wife, treat her badly, and same also goes to the woman, treat your husbands also right, as sometimes the way we treat some of the men makes them treat women badly. We need to stop smiling outside and dying inside. I pray men show kindness, love, gentleness and caring nature to their wives. Don’t take women for granted.
A man who don’t have the capacity for compassion, who can manipulate you to get his way, who is critical with sharp words, and who is condescending is not worthy of a woman. A woman should be a “Joan of Arc and not “Joan of codependency”. You can not endure your marriage because of the child, you will live with mental illness, depression and anxiety and your mental health can even affect the children that you are trying to live for in the marriage for their sake. Let God lead you and He will direct you as to what to do. My marriage went through lots with the sisters involve to break it down, I prayed and the guy just packed his things and left. Sometimes their punishment comes in a twinkle of an eye, sometime it takes time.
Pat
February 4, 2018 at 9:29 AM
It starts with the idea that you have to marry. Then the people you complain too are going through the same thing and hence don’t want a better life for you than themselves. When you get married have ok my the number of kids you can cope with. Have your own money kept in the bank. Don’t allow yourself to be abused physically , mentally or verbally. You also don’t have to marry your tribe.
I man will show his true colours within six months, you have time to sort it out or walk out. Marriage is the biggest and longest life sentence. How you manage it is down to you. Also teach your son how to be a respectable husband and father. Kids are his responsibility . A happy wife is a happy home.
Ama
February 4, 2018 at 6:07 PM
Marriage is not the biggest and longest life sentence, we have made it feel like it is a life sentence, divorce is not the best option, but marriage should be a journey of joy, happiness and togetherness with all involved. Marriage can be one of the best sweetest area of our lives when we make the best choices that can alter our lives for good and not for worse.
MADAM ERANKO
February 4, 2018 at 6:54 PM
MARRIAGE IS A DANGEROUS GAME.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE ANYONE, OR LIVE FOR ANYONE, BECAUSE GETTING MARRIED IS LIKE GIVEN UP YOUR FREEDOM AND BECOME A SLAVE FOR SOMEONE.
AS SOON AS YOU GET MARRIED TO THIS ASSHOLE, THEY WOULD SAY, I DO NOT WANT MY WIFE TO GO TO WORK IN ORDER TO MAKE MY FOOD READY.
SOME MEN ONLY GET MARRIED TO YOU IN ORDER TO COOK AND BE A BABY MACHINE FOR THEM AND IN ORDER TO CONTROL YOU, THEY WILL NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE YOUR OWN JOB, SO THAT YOU CAN CRAW FOR WHATEVER YOU NEED.
WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY IT MEANS YOU DO NOT HAVE A LIFE. THERE WOULD BE TIME WHEN MARRIAGE WOULD BE A BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TO PAY ME FOR THE JOB TO GIVE YOU BABY OR TO COOK OR TO LIVE WITH YOU.
BECAUSE BEING A WIFE IT IS AN UNPAID JOB.
Adekunle
February 4, 2018 at 11:01 PM
Some women actually deceive themselves though…
brenda
February 5, 2018 at 12:25 AM
I was married to a nigerian igbo man from Enugu…he use to insult me,beat me cheat on me for 4 years,we had 3 children together.. I own salon,mtn franchise,when I met him I was a flight attendant..this guy will abuse me after he will give me lot of dollars,thinks money was everthing,my children went to the best schools,I was driving a range rover,bmw those were my cars.. living in a top suburb home.. but one day I sat down I think about my children and disease if I stay with this bastard one day he will bring hiv to me,and I will die what will happen to my kids?one day I took my bags only bags and leave for Canada with my kids without telling him..without nothing I met a Nigerian woman who told me I was a fool for doing that,them Nigerians will never do that how can I left all the riches for another woman? I told her about the cheating,beating she said my sister that is a Nigerian man for u,cheating is in their blood but we dont live them.. Nigerian women shine your eyes its not about money and shame its about your health and children.. he is married to a Nigerian woman Doing the same things he was doing to me.. what a pretty lady living a lie..she has all the shops enduring all the insults.. I stop communicating with him cause the last time I took my children to Nigeria,he wanted to have sex with me and the wife was calling and he was insulting her,I have told him to involve his wife during our visit he said no,his wife is a witch she will kill his children. The wife knows he was married with children I feel sorry for her cause he is abusing her i fill sorry for Nigerian women sometimes.They like to have husbands is marriage by fire by force..when I saw women like Tonto Dikeh who break out of those chains I was so happy I said Nigerian women are getting it too..but I also read comments from fellow women from Nigeria bashing her for leaving her husband wooow shame on you . What are u teaching your daughter is marriage is by fire by force
brenda
February 5, 2018 at 12:39 AM
Sorry what are u teaching your daughters? A marriage is abuse? Sorry guys cant see im under the blankets and I have no glasses..
Marie Noel
February 5, 2018 at 8:16 AM
Marie
O Lord are you a sociologist.You just pointed out what Women are going through in that zoo. Women are the only once that sees problem in the house and wish its could be solve. they pray and fast and along the line become frustrated.Because a problems of two can not be solve by one person.Some even lose their life because of this, and at the end the man continues his as if nothing ever happen. Then the children continues the suffering of their mother.The irresponsible man will always take side with his new wife another (woman). What a world
Jilo
February 5, 2018 at 2:15 PM
The problem of living in marriage bondage lies with women. Women are not the same so also their desire or what they wish for. I have encountered a woman who proclaimed in the presence of we men that she liked a man who can beat her up and have sex with her after that thorough beating. She said that was the way she enjoyed sex as in if a man treated her that way.
I swear to God, my jaw dropped when a woman made her fantasy known to the public without even considering how this may impact how men view some women. Definitely, she will attract some bad men. This is a kind of woman who will treat any good man badly if he tries to treat her humanly because she never attracts to gentle man. This incidence happened when I was living in Europe more than two decades ago and the lady in question came from South West Edo state to be precise. I have met a lady who turned me down for a dating because I couldn’t smoke Igbo (Indian Hemp)she said she had fantasy for men who after smoking “Igbo” will be able to have marathon sex with her because that was the only way she can be with a man. She said she didn’t think I will be able to fulfil that.
Brothers and Sisters, this article is one sided. In as much some women have had bad experience in their relationship does not mean all women share the same feeling. Some women don’t think their men treat them bad in as much he can care for his kids, paying their tuition, providing her needs. She may prefer to keep mum even if that man slam her head against the wall.
I’m a man and have some sisters and a beautiful young girl. One thing I will never do is to compromise the happiness of my loved one in the name of keeping the marriage. This is my own feeling and decision but other people may not see it that way. I have once told my wife that if any man treats my daughter like a rag or abuse her in any form, that is the end. My daughter can come back and live with me until she get herself back on track. My wife replied that is a taboo especially in our culture that people may be saying negative things about that. Well i told her that a culture that will make my daughter miserable for the rest of her life is not a good culture. The fear of what other people will say is the reason why some women are dying in their marriages. This is a generation where if you fail to seek happiness for yourself, you can never get one.
Finally, a woman should learn how to be independent. If any man sees that a woman can survive after leaving her, he will caution in how he treats her even if he will eventually let go. Depending on a man for every single of your need will put you in a pauper bracket.
Blessed Joy
April 26, 2018 at 4:55 AM
Jilo you’ve spoken very well, thanks for not taking sides, as par your gender as a man, your comments are very fare. your advice goes a long way, independence is power.