How To Solve Family Problems And Conflicts..Common Family Problems Causes And Solutions
Family they say is the most important unit of the society. Little wonder attention is paid in nurturing and bringing up the children because they are the ones with a very profound effect on the society.
Although family members are related, they still have different characters and perspectives. This explains why conflicts and problems usually arise within and among some family members.
Most times, they are usually as a result of differing opinions from others. This can sometimes lead to full blown fight that can be managed or that may involve other family members.
There are different types of family conflicts ranging from parents-children conflict, husband-wife conflict, inlaws-in laws conflict etc.
Let us look at some parents-children conflicts:
Your child usually throws tantrums when you do not give them what they want. Whether toddlers or adolescents, it is common with children. Usually, their tantrums gets you angry while at other times, you may get sympathetic and give in to their requests.
What you need to do is to strike a balance between tour sympathy and being resolute. Teach them early enough that one does not always get what they want. However, you must remember that your child should hey everything he/she needs from you (by right) and some of the things they want too.
This is another area where parents and their children fight. Children are forever testing their parents to know their limits. As a parent, you should be firm with the rules you make. Let them know that this is the punishment they will get for a particular behaviour.
As usual, you can be sure they will flout it just to see your reaction. You already know what to do.
Cleaning Their Mess
Children will always make a mess yet expect you to clean up after them. Most times, your first approach may be to scold them or clean up after them.
Neither of these approaches is good. The best thing to do is clean up the mess then keep the toys (for example) somewhere they will not find it. When next they come crying for it, assign a task to them as a ransome for it.
Do this every time they refuse to clean their mess. You can also increase the task they have to complete before giving it back to them. Before you know it, they will begin to clean up after themselves.
It is almost impossible not to have a child who is a picky eater. Some parents even have more than one. In this situation, getting them to eat healthy meals (especially their greens) becomes a serious issue.
This is where most parents and their kids have serious disagreements because neither party want to give in. But this does not have to be so. In this case, make sure there is a variety of meals available and as long as there is one healthy meals he/she eats, there is no need forcing them to eat at all. Just make sure there is something healthy for them at each serving.
Whining and Crying
Now which child does not? Especially in the first six months. During this time, children become terrors to their parents especially at nights. This usually causes quarrel between parents and the kids and even between both parents.
In order to combat this, parents parents should device ways to put their children to bed so as to deal better with their whining when it starts at night. It could be preparing their meas before hand so that it will be ready by the time they start crying.
You need to show children that everything in life has a cause and effect. What this means is that everything they do has a direct effect. For instance, if they stat out later than their curfew, they get grounded.
To make this very effective though, ensure you stipulate the consequence of every misbehaviour. Let them know the rules and that they are not to be broken. Be firm yet kind and gentle when enforcing them.
Lack of Gratitude
Lack of gratitude happens on both sides- parents and children. Most times, parents do not show gratitude to their children when they do things for them (the parents) or when they do things right.
For instance, if your child helps you do the laundry, takes out the trash or helps with the cooking, you ought to show some gratitude. A simple thank you, a pat on the back etc will do.
Children on the other hand should also be grateful when their parents gets them what they need and even more grateful when they get what they want.
Gratitude works both ways and when parents and children understand this, it will go a long way in reducing the frequency of their misunderstandings.
Common Causes Of Family Problems And Relationship Conflicts
Other causes of family conflicts include the following:
When there is separation or divorce.
Moving into a new home or switching jobs.
This is a huge cause of so many unresolved family conflict.
This does not just affect the man and his wife, it also trickles down to the extended families with each family usually taking sides with their own.
Having Only Female Children
This is prevalent in the eastern part of the country. When a woman has no male child, it often leads to conflict because there is pressure as to who will take up the family name and inherit the possessions when the man is dead.
As a result, the man gets pressured to take another wife who will help him raise an heir for the family.
This is timeless. Polygamy has caused several issues in many hones especially when there seems to be a clear preference for one wife over the others.
Although we are now we are going across borders and boundaries in terms of marriage, we still know that inter tribal marriages have bred a lot of conflicts.
This is often due to the differences in language and sometimes, religion. This has caused and is still causing issues in several homes.
Change in Finances
This is especially so when finance plummet. Of course it leads to some changes and adjustments and most times they are not pleasant. These changes may involve moving into another house, changing the kids to another school, selling some possessions etc. All that leads to conflicts and misunderstandings in the home.
Having seen some of the causes of family problems and conflicts, let us try and proffer some solutions to them:
Solutions To Common Family Problems And Conflicts
The power of communication cannot be over emphasized. Sometimes, conflicts arise from miscommunication. Therefore, when family members quarrel, they need to communicate their feelings plainly to each other. Doing this in a positive way can help them reach a peaceful compromise.
Talk about your feelings with each other. Let your partner know how the issue makes you feel and work towards reaching a solution. Remember, your aim ought to be about how to end the fight and not win the argument.
Reach A Negotiation
When we are angry, our first thought is usually to defend our opinion regardless of if we hurt others in the process. The truth is that when conflicts arise, both parties usually stick to their guns with neither wanting to back down.
It would really help if everyone decides to listen more to each other and then try to find a common ground. The steps to do this include:
If you are still too pissed to speak in a calm and composed manner, then take some time to cool off.
Try to separate the person from the problem. You have a problem to solve not the person. You also have to remember that the other party is not obliged to agree with you every step of the way. That is why they are different and you respecting their differing opinions is maturity.
Listening is very important when trying to resolve a conflict. When you listen, you actually hear what is not said but when people are angry, they hardly listen and this is what fuels arguments because everyone is trying to be heard at the same time. It is said that two persons cannot be mad at the same time so while the other party or parties are raving and raking, just stay calm.
Try to put your emotions aside and focus on how to solve the issue at hand. Sentiments and bias are not exactly going to do much besides complicating issues more than it is already.
When the other person is talking, try not to interrupt even if he/she says something that you know is not correct. Allow them to finish. Your own duty at that point is to listen actively.
After listening, you can ask them questions to nes use that you actually heard them perfectly well. Now say your own side of the story as clearly as possible.. Now that both of you are done talking, they to work hand in hand towards solving the issue without having to bring up past and unrelated grudges. This only sets you back from tackling the issue on ground.
Work As A Team
Team work can bring solutions faster than working alone. The key to doing this is for all the parties involved to understand each person’s individual feelings, then try to work out a solution.
Try to come up with several solutions so that there will be a wide variety to choose from. Remember that in solving conflicts, you must be willing to compromise. You cannot have it tour way all the time. When you finally agree on a solution, make sure everyone hears and seconds it. You do not want a situation whereby someone comes later to say they do not agree with it. Once a solution has been picked, stick to it and work towards achieving it.
Invite Your Extended Family
This usually comes as a last resort after trying to settle the issue amicably. This is even more advised when the problem is not just between you and your family but also the extended family.
For instance, in the event of childlessness or having only female children, you cannot solve this problem alone. You may then decide to invite your family to see what can be done about the situation. If the man decides to take a new wife, the family has an input to make.
Most families from the woman’s side will kick against this while the man may decide he is done with the marriage. This sort of scenario creates a right between both families and requires a lot of time to be solved. In some cases, the man requests the bride price which officially signifies the end of the marriage traditionally once it is returned to him.
This now means he is free to remarry, same with the wife. In the case of unfaithfulness, he may send the wife packing. Her own family may now go to appeal to him to take her back. Her father and one or two uncles or brothers can go. He (the husband) can decide to involve some of his own family members or he may do it alone.
If he decides not to marry her again, he can ask for a refund or may not ask. However, if on the other hand he is able to forgive and reconcile with her, he may give conditions which she has to follow. At any rate, the decision rests solidly on the man.
Although involving the extended families has its own good sides, as much as is within you, try and solve your family issues within you and your partner. Do not allow a third party (not even your mother). They may oy be involved if it is a must depending on the nature of the conflict.
Seek Professional Help
Some people seek for professional help when going through family conflicts. This could be from the doctor, marriage counsellor, family and relationship expert, other parents etc. As long as you trust them, go ahead and share the problem with them.The advice and suggestion you get may be all the help you need in solving that problem.
You should also remember that conflicts are part of human existence much more the family. They will happen no matter how careful you are.
So here are some tips to have at your finger tips:
Conflicts are not insurmountable. It just depends on how you go about them. Even the most difficult ones end up being resolved. It will only cost time and money.
If you want to resolve it amicably, then carry everyone along. Putting your own feelings and sentiments first will not get you anywhere. Selflessness on the other hand will.
Be prepared at all times because you do not know from what shade or angle it may come from. Sometimes it comes from the seemingly insignificant things that we take for granted.
In the case where it gets threatening or out of control, it is not wrong to seek for professional advice. As long as it is resolved in the end, do all within your means to see that it is.