My Nigerian Husband Left Me For An African American Woman. I’m Really Confused Please Help.

my nigerian husband left me

Feb 22, 2013 – My Nigerian Husband Left Me For A Black American Woman. I’m Really Confused Please Help.

Below is an unedited email NaijaGists.com received from a lady who claims her Nigerian husband has left her for black American woman for no genuine reason.

Please read her email below and give her your best advice.

Dear Naijagists,

I have been a frequent visitor to the romance portion of your site but today my back has hit the wall.

Here is my situation, I married a man from Ondo state Akure precisely and I brought him to America few years ago.

The first month he arrived, he told me to perform oral intimacy on him which am not that comfortable with. I told him to give me sometime to get used to it.

From then on we started having issues in our relationship. We have two kids together. I gave birth to my last child for him in January.

The day he got his American passport, he took off to Montreal for like 4 weeks. He told me he is going for SAP training well I didn’t bother myself because I trust him and to my surprise the second week he returned, I happened to look on his blackberry while he was in the shower and the messages I read broke my heart.

He happened to be dating a black American lady whom he met over 3 years ago.

The lady sent him bb chat that he should take him to the Gynecologist for her appointment because she is carrying his baby. Because I couldn’t hold it anymore, I had to confront him.

Infact, I didn’t expect the response I got from him. The gentle man I brought from Nigeria with no penny started yelling on the top of his voice infact he left the house for like two weeks.

He came back last week to drop the key to the house. He told me he is moving on because I’m unable to satisfy him sexually.

Guys, is this a reason enough to leave the woman who brought you from nowhere to somewhere?

Do I really deserve this?

I’m at the back of my wall. I really need your help. What should I do?

NaijaGists.com Editor’s note:

Dear readers: Please consider this woman’s feeling when replying her. She will be monitoring this article.

Thanks for your help.

63 thoughts on “My Nigerian Husband Left Me For An African American Woman. I’m Really Confused Please Help.

  1. Oh my sister!!! Very sory about that, just 4get him because he is a ungrateful man. Find another guy that can understand ur situation and get Married 4 ur sexual satisfaction and can take a very good care of ur selve with the two kids. Life contineous. Ok.

  2. I am an African-American woman. No woman deserves a cheating husband. No woman deserves a kick in the gut when all you were doing was being a good wife. However, when life becomes difficult as in your situation, I think it’s God’s way of getting your attention.

    You seem to point to the oral intimacy as one thing Americans do that Africans don’t. So then, because you did not do this one thing, you had problems ever since and your husband found an African-American woman that would do that for him. For your information, Black American women have the same problem with Black American men. Many of us don’t enjoy oral intimacy either. It’s just a matter of preference.

    You are partially correct about your assessment. However, I think that the problems go deeper than one sexual act. It sounds to me that you and your husband have a clash in mindsets, preference, spirituality, and values. You may be more traditional in mindset than your husband is. I think you may be more traditional because in this major life choice, you brought him from Africa, instead of marrying an American or even another fellow Nigerian where you are living. So, your refusal to do something that he likes that one time, was all the ammunition that he needed to start acting like a single man and blame you for being too traditional in mindset, which he may have never said. I am aware that he stated you could not satisfy him sexually. However, oral intimacy is always viewed as “new and modern practice” and the refusal to do so is viewed as “being too old-fashioned”.

    The “gentle” guy that you married may have found himself caught up with some woman that stroked his ego, made him feel like a man, made him feel good about himself, and boosted his pride. Making someone feel good about themselves should not have anything to do with culture.

    You may not even think that you are very traditional since you were already making a living in America before he came, but for some things, you may be perceived that way more than you realize. People like traditions until they feel shortchanged or held back by them. Definitely, your husband feels shortchanged in the sex department. From your letter, your view is that oral intimacy is too un-African and non-traditional since you point to this act and identify the other woman as black American as if she represents modernity. Your husband probably views oral intimacy as just something enjoyable between a husband and wife that has nothing to do with traditional upbringing. You two have a clash of mindsets when it comes to what you are willing to do and what he wants from you.

    The other thing from your letter is that you may be dominating him in the marriage with talk about all that you did for him. You state that he had no money when he came to America. However, being in IT myself, that could all change with a career in SAP. He may have not had “big” money, but obviously he was an educated person. He was no dummy. I doubt that you would have agreed to marry him if you would have to clothe him, feed him, educate him, drive him everywhere, etc. You really have to get over the fact that you brought him from “nowhere to somewhere”. Don’t go around telling people that. That’s not really becoming of a woman. You just invite criticism for yourself, and women are really hard on each other.

    I do think that sexual incompatibility is reason enough to divorce. However, your letter does not state that both of you have attempted to really talk, get counseling, see your pastor, etc. before getting to the point that he dropped off the key.

    When I think about your problem, I am also struck that he was with a Black American woman. I’ll tell you why. In the past, Black American women were not too keen on Nigerian men. They are perceived as liars. I’m talking negative stereotypes. There were just too many stories of Black American women dating a Nigerian, only to find out later that he was married. Unfortunately, for you and the other woman, your husband may have never told the other woman that he was married. That gentle man, may have been one to just keep secrets. If this was the case, you may have clashed with a spiritually immature man.

    The other thing is that I don’t think he was as gentle as you say. In the first month, he told you to perform oral intimacy. Obviously, he had been sexually active with someone, not so “traditional”, before coming to the U.S. He may have been thinking about cheating if he had not already tried before because he like the oral intimacy that he received once before.

    It’s been a year since you wrote this letter, but I hope that you can resolve this problem. No, you did not deserve a cheating husband that had another child out of wedlock.

  3. I really feel for you. While the marriage was real for you it wasn’t real for him. Most likely he had the woman there already before he knew you. He had an agenda and it was to use you to get his citizenship in America. You’re not the first person this has happened too, it happens a lot.

    I hope you get through this and I hope everything goes well for you

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