Forgiving A Cheater Without Losing Your Dignity
Your partner cheated on you, what next? You are angry and you want to leave the relationship and move on. That is perfectly fine because at this point, you must do what is right for your heart. If you feel you cannot continue, then you should leave but first, you must forgive your boyfriend/girlfriend.
It is very important you forgive your partner before getting into a new relationship because if you do not, you would take all the hurt and pain into the new relationship and may even end up hurting the new person.
How to deal with a cheating boyfriend/girlfriend? You need to be sure they are cheating, they need to admit it and then your decision to either stay or move on would make forgiving them a lot easier.
How to start? You need to confirm that your partner is actually cheating on you. How to go about this?
Talk to your Friends: Usually, depending on how far your relationship has gone, it is very likely your friends would know if something is amiss. It is possible they know some of your partner’s routines and likely places they go to such as the gym, salon or mall.
Talking to them is a great way to allay your fears. Since they are close to you, they are most likely to help you find out if your partner is actually cheating on you.
Look for Loop Holes and Suspicious Communication: After talking to friends (and perhaps family), the next thing you should do is to “investigate”on your own and look for out-of-place signs and suspicious communications.
In this modern age, it is virtually impossible to catch a cheating partner. However, there are certain behaviours that can give them away:
- Check their social media handles: This is a good way to start because they are likely chatting with the person. Check their DMs, go through their chats and see if there is a particular person that is always commenting or liking every post your partner makes.
- Do they get panicky when you go close to their phones/laptops? Have they changed their password or pattern? This probably means they are hiding something.
- Check out for unusual phone calls especially if it is at a particular time and with a particular person. Also if they constantly have to excuse themselves to take the call, something is definitely fishy.
Depending on how your relationship is, when you notice a deviation in pattern, and attitude towards you, then something is wrong:
- Keeping later hours after work instead of coming home to you.
- Increasing number of fights. Now it seems everything you do irritates them.
- If you both make love very often but now it hasn’t happened in ages, then there is most likely someone else in the picture.
After you have confirmed that your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you, the next step is to confront them. Here are the steps to take:
Try to be Calm: It is not everyday you accuse someone of cheating. This would most likely take its toll on you. You are likely to be sad, angry and or depressed. Do not attack them otherwise, they would go on the defensive. The aim is to let them know you know so that you can get other relevant details.
Find a Suitable Time to Talk: Make sure you pick a convenient time for both of you. Don’t confront them at work or when you both are about to sleep. Once you have fixed a time, do not develop cold feet.
Be Direct: It is probably very difficult but going round and round is never going to help you. Say it to their face. You could frame it like this: “I believe you are cheating on me”, then let them respond. This is definitely better than saying ” I think you are cheating on me” or even worse “are you cheating on me”? (Obviously they are likely to deny the accusation flat).
Get the Details: You need all the details you can get in order to decide the next step. Questions here could include the following:
“How long has this been going on, Are you in love with the person in question? What does this portend for our relationship”?
Find out Their Intentions: What was their motive (s)? Was it because you both had a fight? Do they want to break up but did not know how to? After finding out their reasons for cheating, find out their next intentions. Do they want to continue with the relationship? This does not mean you have to want to if you don’t feel like.
However, knowing their intentions would help you know if they are still willing in case you want to continue.
Do an Introspection: How do you feel after what you have heard? Do you feel like you can still continue with them? Do not make a decision in the heat of the moment because of how angry you are or how much they have cried and begged. Give yourself time to actually sleep on it before arriving at a decision.
After you have thought long and hard about it, it is now time for you to decide whether to stay or move on.
If you decide to move on (break up), you should do the following:
Deliver the News: Tell them as calmly as you can that because they cheated on you, you cannot continue the relationship. You can provide a detailed explanation if you so please.
Forgive Them: Just because they hurt you does not mean you should stoop to their level. Forgive them and work on healing yourself from the hurt and pains.
Focus on Yourself: Most times, relationships give you little time for yourself because you re always thinking about your partner. It is now time to focus on you.
Do what makes you happy and have fun. If you can, travel, go to a spa, shopping or treat yourself to an exquisite meal. You deserve it.
Take Your Time Before Going Into Another Relationship: Do not be in a hurry to start another relationship because chances are you are still wary and may even compare them to your ex which is very unhealthy.
Therefore, be sure you are completely free from the baggages of the previous relationship so that you can get into a new one fresh and free.